I’m grateful for my children. All 3 of them. They’ve all truly taught me what it means to have unconditional love, patience, and a fear that I’ve never felt before. Before having children of my own, I never truly knew what it meant to love a person so much that you’d give your life up without blinking. No questions asked, my life for theirs. I prayed for each of my children before they were growing in my body. The moment I knew they were on the way, I thanked God. I did everything in my power to make sure I was being healthy, so their little bodies could grow. My whole mindset changed. This is when my anxiety kicked in. I never really experienced anxiety until my first born was in my arms. I wasn’t just my life I was responsible for, I was now responsible for a tiny little human. This human is now going to depend on me for EVERYTHING! Sustaining their lives depended on me and my decisions. Am I going to be a good mom? Will my babies know just how much I love them? Would I make the right choices? What if I picked a toy or food that would hurt them? What if I didn’t see a car coming and we got hit? What if I looked away and couldn’t see or hear them if they needed help? Would I be able to protect them during the night if someone broke in? I can’t hear without my hearing aids, so nighttime was hard on me. I gladly endured ear aches and lost sleep due to not being able to take out my hearing aids in case they needed me during the night. My fear of bridges and water intensified due to all the what ifs. As they grew into school age, a whole new set of fears set in. How safe are they going to be? Would they be protected in danger? Are they going to be bullied? Are they going to be the bully? Did I prepare them enough for school? Will I be able to help them through the homework? Can I console them through the pains of growing up?
Through the 9 years of being on this parenting roller coaster, I’ve learned so much about myself. I learned just how much patience I can have when the no good, horrible, very bad days pop up. I learned just how much peace I can have when the feel the tiny little arms wrap around my leg and hearing, “I love you mommy.” I learned just how much it hurts to watch my heart walk off to school, knowing I wouldn’t be able to protect them from the hurt they may experience. I learned just how nothing else in the world matters when you’re sitting in the middle of the kitchen with a crying child in your lap because they miss their Mimi, Poppy, Aubree, or other family member. I learned just how frustrated angry you can be at a choice child makes. I learned that it’s OK to walk away for just a moment to cool down and come back to the situation. I learned that love is unconditional between a child and a parent when they continue to come to you and hug your neck, and tell you they love you, even when you had to discipline them just 10 minutes earlier. As a person I’ve grown. I’ve learned just how rewarding being a mother can be. I learned just how much I look forward to them returning home after letting them spread their wings a little bit. As much as I love to have them tucked up underneath me, even though they can make me crazy, rather than allow them to go out into the big ol’ world, I know I have to let them slowly assert their independence. I have to allow them to experience and learn from those experiences. I’ll be their safety net for their whole lives. I’ll allow them to fly, to learn, to grow as amazing people, but they’ll always know that as long as I draw breath on this Earth, I’ll be here to catch them and help them through it.
To my beautiful babies, I love you. You are my whole reason for being. You shine a light in my world. You taught me so much. Throughout all the good, the bad, the ugly I’ll always be here. I’ll be waiting and cherishing every hug, kiss, snuggle, and everything else you have to give me. No matter how bad things can get, I’ll be there to help you. I love you more than words can say.
